Who are you Marble Jar Friends? (Trust is Earned, Not Given)

In this episode I talk about a great concept of Brene Brown's work that really resonated with me: The Marble Jar Friend concept. Too often we throw ourselves into a new friendship only to find that person breaches our trust. This ends up with us becoming burned and less likely to trust again (thus shutting out everyone, not just the bad people).

In this video I show you how to not only minimize that from happening, but all share with you a couple of strategies you can use to show your current 'marble jar friends'

Enjoy and learn more: http://haydenwilson.com.au



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Full Transcription Below

Hey guys, Hayden Wilson here – I hope it’s not too noisy, I don’t have my microphone with me. I was in Richmond having a coffee and something to eat and I wanted to shoot this video on the beautiful Yarra – look at that view with the city over there – so thank you for joining me here today and on Learn Share Grow today we’re going to be talking all about what’s called ‘Marble Jar Friends’.

This is again a concept by Brene Brown and she talks about her daughter Ellen and how she had a teacher who had this concept called the marble jar. When the children exhibited good behaviour collectively, the teacher would put a marble in the jar, and when they were bad students collectively, a marble got taken out. It’s a lot like, if you think about it, bank deposits and credits coming in and out.

This is a lot like trust. I’m sure that you’ve had situations in your life where someone has breached that trust – I know we all have these scars, but you really do need to be careful on who you trust with the information that you share. We know that in order for your story to be received in an empathic way and for you to be able to trust someone, there needs to be that element of trust and that needs to be earned. The way it is earned is with these metaphorical marbles.

So each time someone does something that agrees with your values you drop a marble into the jar. When someone does something that you don’t agree with such as lying, or gossiping, or spreading rumours about you, then obviously that means the marbles are coming out. So when you get a new friend you have to be really careful with what information you tell them and how close you let them in because if we do over share or someone over shares with us, you know that there’s not a level of trust and there’s no empathy to be able to respond to those stories unless you already have some of that empathy and that trust credit in the bank.

So I want you to have a think about who your marble jar friends are. These are the kinds of people who know your parents’ names, they know what you actually do for a living – so many people out there don’t actually know what their friends do. They might have a blanket statement that they work in an office, but your true friends, and I’m not talking a large amount, I personally have only two or three really close friends and I hold them close to my heart and they know who they are, but these are the kind of people who have been with me for years and they know pretty much everything about me and these are the people that I can trust. They call when I’m sick, they call when they’re worried about me or if I post something that might be negative in their eyes and they think I might be upset they call me and ask me what’s wrong and these are the type of people I can tell anything to because we’ve built up that trust and we have that level, the marbles are in the jar.

So have a think about who your marble jar friends are and what they do for you and what you can do in return for them. To have good friends you need to be a good friend. So think about some ways that you really appreciate that person and send them a message, write them a note, draw them a picture as I mentioned in yesterday’s video. All these little things can help build trust and build the friendship. By doing this, you’re going to find that you can really open up to that person, they are willing to hear your story, you can share more with them, but just be very careful with who you let inside your circle of trust because as you know, and many of us have been burned before, you just need to be very careful because they can breach that trust. So look for marble jar friends, I know you’ve got some, and hold them dear to your heart because they are one of a kind.

Catch you next time for Learn Share Grow.